14 So-Called ‘Alpha Male’ Tips That Are Just Embarrassing
There’s a flood of advice online for men trying to boost their confidence. The basics—sleep well, exercise—are fine. But step into the world of “alpha male” tips, and things get absurd. Suddenly, simple habits like what you eat or how you sneeze are supposed to define your worth. Most of these so-called rules are more laughable than helpful.
Salad Is for Betas, Steak Is King
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Ordering a kale Caesar might earn you side-eyes from self-proclaimed alphas, who consider meat the only meal fit for men. One guy online even said real men “don’t chew leaves.” Meanwhile, actual adults just eat what they like. If your masculinity crumbles over romaine, the croutons aren’t the problem.
Affection Is Weakness, Apparently
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Some alpha loyalists think that expressing affection is like showing weakness in battle. Hugging your partner, complimenting your kid, or crying during a movie may be perceived as ‘too soft’. But outside of internet advice circles, these are just normal human interactions, and often the glue holding relationships together.
Bragging Is Mandatory, Even When Nobody Asked
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Some guys think you have to talk yourself up at every turn. At one party, a man tried to impress the crowd with stories about his crypto “success.” Nobody cared. Meanwhile, the quiet guy nearby got all the real interest. Most people can spot forced bragging from a mile away—and they tune it out. Humility lands better every time.
Carrying a Bag Is Off Limits
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Some “alpha” types refuse to carry anything that looks like a bag, calling it unmanly. Backpacks are fine, but anything resembling a tote or, worse, a “man purse,” gets mocked. Meanwhile, everyone else just wants to keep their stuff organized. There’s nothing tough about stuffing your pockets or juggling your things just to avoid looking practical.
No Coats, No Umbrellas, Just Shivering
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The idea that real men should suffer through rain or snow without outerwear is widespread enough to be noticed. Wearing a jacket or carrying an umbrella is, for some, an admission of weakness. Shivering and drenching are somehow preferred to staying dry and warm. It’s cold out there—literally.
Pink and Purple Are Still Controversial
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One Redditor recalled someone flipping out over a purple sports jersey. Another refused to wear pink, even in support of breast cancer awareness. It’s not 1952, and colors aren’t assigned genders anymore. If your identity feels threatened by pigment, maybe the issue isn’t the shirt but the storyline around it.
Cooking Disqualifies Your Man Card
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Some alpha fans argue that preparing meals is a woman’s work, unless you’re paid to do it. The contradiction is laughable, especially considering that some of the most celebrated chefs in the world are men. Refusing to cook for your own family isn’t manly. It’s just lazy.
Clean Hands Are for Betas
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In certain corners of YouTube, scented soap and moisturizer have been declared dangerous. The logic is that scents are for women, and grooming is a slippery slope to weakness. Meanwhile, dermatologists everywhere are quietly screaming. Handwashing shouldn’t be a political stance. And your skin deserves better than hotel bar soap from 2007.
Saving Money Is for Losers
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One alpha devotee claimed that saving up for things you want is “gay.” Financial responsibility, according to this logic, makes you less of a man. This results in a mindset that glorifies reckless spending and mocks stability, while the same guys wonder why their relationships and bank accounts keep falling apart.
Dominance at the Dinner Table
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One “alpha” move involves never sitting with your back to the room and always controlling the space—yes, even at a kid’s birthday party. Some men believe these tactics establish dominance. For most people, it’s just a meal. For these guys, it’s a poorly written mob movie.
Never Use Straws, That’s “Soft”
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Some men now avoid straws, calling them “sissy sticks.” This anti-straw stance joins a long list of absurd rules that include not drinking cocktails or using lotion. The idea is to appear rugged, but all it really does is complicate hydration and chapped lips.
Don’t Let a Woman Kiss You First
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Some alpha guides advise men to avoid any romantic move initiated by women. If she makes the first move, you’ve already “lost.” This leads to missed kisses, awkward rejections, and confusing tension for both people. Letting affection happen naturally is just how chemistry works.
Emotions Are for Everyone Else
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Some circles treat tears, stress, and empathy as symptoms of failure. Men are told that vulnerability must be hidden at all costs. But suppressing emotion doesn’t make someone strong—it just makes them emotionally unavailable. There’s courage in being honest, and there are many long-term health benefits, too.
Walk Straight, Never Move Aside
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Another classic: never yield on the sidewalk. Alpha types will barrel through public spaces to prove a point no one asked about. This often ends in awkward body-checks or just annoyance. Stepping aside doesn’t mean submission by any means. It’s how functional adults move through the world without constant conflict.
Going to Therapy? Guess You’re Not a Real Man
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One of the strangest alpha beliefs is that talking to a therapist somehow disqualifies you from manhood. Because nothing says strength like bottling up your emotions until they explode at a barbecue. Needing help is human and shouldn’t be associated with any kind of failure. But some guys would rather suffer than admit they don’t have it all figured out.